Letting the News Sink In

Saturday - November 24, 2012

First and foremost, I am keenly aware that today I am enjoying my husband and my hounds at home rather than being infused with chemo on VCU's oncology floor as envisioned just a week ago.  Furthermore, the sky is a brilliant blue, the fireplace is pumping out heat, and both children are happy and enjoying great company in Blacksburg and in Denver.  Life is good.  Home and health beat the hospital any day!

After 12 hours (!) of deep dreamless sleep, I awoke with the full realization that we have entered a new stage in our family's cancer era.  For the first time since mid June, a bone marrow transplant is officially off the (short-term) timetable.  The anxiety of "sitting tight" or opting for a high-risk transplant has been lifted as the decision has been taken out of our hands.  There is one U.S. hospital where I can receive a haplo BMT and that hospital's leading lymphoma specialist is not referring me for this procedure at the present time.  Dr. Ambinder echoed our own on-going debate:  if I am currently without any evidence of cancer, why chance a high-risk BMT?  The details of graft-versus-host-disease are daunting and those mortality numbers are difficult to absorb.  Odds exist that I may be fine "as is" and that a BMT might kill me.  I have mulled over this dice roll again and again and again.  Now the dice have been collected by a noted oncologist, packed away neatly, and stored in the Hopkins medical cabinet.  It's no longer a question of making the right decision.  There is no decision to make ... and I am feeling pretty pretty good about that  :)

What now?  Well, Joe hopped online as soon as we got home yesterday looking for a family New Year's getaway (the Bahamas seem to be the leading option).  Megan continues to plan her winter term of research and family time here on the East Coast.  Our hoped-for trip to see Joe's mom at Christmas time seems to be on firm ground.  And ... I am contemplating when I can get back to work.  Mostly, I am resting, relaxing, and letting the no-BMT news sink in.  "Watchful waiting" is not necessarily my strong suit but as an over-achiever I will do my best to watch and wait with calm and grace.