"Sleep is the best meditation."

Thursday - August 2, 2012

"An" means "peace"

Eight hours of deep, full rest have restored some physical strength this morning.  In fact, I exited the bedroom and walked down the stairs without the need to hug a wall or clutch furniture.  This good moment brought home the realization that the chemo can really wipe me out.  Well, duh ... but sometimes I am lucky enough to forget the enormity of what's going on in my life....  If I revel in an instance of walls-free, upright walking then my baseline has certainly shifted, yes?  Yesterday, I was indeed hugging walls, pushing off of furniture, and taking stairs one at a time with long ... long ... pauses.  However, this chemo round has produced significantly less fatigue than my first odd round of Hyper CVAD and I am enormously grateful and relieved.  Megan suggested that the extra (surprise!) week of recovery from the E.coli infection braced and strengthened my system thus resulting in my improved stamina and physical oomph.  She could be right!  I am weathering this 4th of 6 chemo rounds with significantly fewer naps and only one moment of stuck-on-the-floor-can't-get-up lack of large muscle function when in another example of an appliance-induced moment of enervation, emptying the dryer bought me to my knees (literally).

A major emotional / intellectual challenge looms as the summer wanes:  how will I adjust to a free schedule and lack of outside goals as the beginning of the school year approaches?  Will I be able to maintain my equilibrium when school buses are back on the road and my peers are all busy in their classrooms while I gather my strength and heal on the couch?  How will I maintain my necessary focus on health when I am so distracted with the thought that I am NOT working?  NOT contributing?  NOT participating?

Well, I hope to be able to be smart and logical.  In the end, I am completely practical.  I want to embody the word "cure" as it's been used by my oncology team in reference to large diffuse b-cell lymphoma.  With this clear and unequivocal goal, I have no choice but to focus exclusively on letting the wonders of modern medicine do battle against the lymphoma that is "lurking" in my body.  My body and my schedule are the battleground upon which this battle takes place.  Yes, I will be chaffing at the bit to find some way to be of use, involved, and engaged.  But short term pauses in my current commitment level will make way for long term involvement in my community.  The only path towards this long-term, life-time goal is through health.  I need to heal.  I need to purge this lymphoma.  And if that requires me to sit in a small hospital room and grow someone else's bone marrow inside my body ... then that's what I'll do!