A Burden Eased

Small hands = "more help" in previous moves!

Wednesday - May 29, 2013

It is difficult to convey what a tremendous sense of relief I feel.  I want to bathe in relief, stomp on lingering worries, and barrel full speed ahead to California!  Last week's confirmation that (within the limits of current technology and for the present slice of time) no lymphoma can be detected "lurking" in my traitorous duplicitous body has literally lifted a burden.  Still no activity detected in my bones?  I stand a little straighter.  No return to that troubling lymphoma bright spot on my liver from last May?  I sleep a little deeper.  And no lymphoma hiding in my left orbit, pressing on my cranial nerves, driving me to lunacy with unrelenting migraine pain and bizarre double vision? Well, I enjoy my late night walk around our neighborhood loop with the hounds, gaze at that glorious vista of moon and stars and am fully and utterly content that I can see just one moon, that it is in focus, and that it will be there waiting for me when I snap the dogs into their leashes and head off tomorrow.  Burden eased.  Hope affirmed.  Focus forward!

Joseph and I are fully focused on our transition to California.  Happily, to-do lists are being tackled, boxes are finding their way into "storage or Sausalito" piles, and multiple job prospects are emerging.  All the while, I am feeling so much more relaxed.  Scan by scan, we claw our way back to a higher level of calm.  Yet I am completely aware that others are not so calm, so lucky.  I am so mindful of our great good fortune.  So many blessings.

Turning Our Attention WEST!

The water view from our future Sausalito home!

Sunday - May 26, 2013

Our pace has accelerated considerably since Joe and I happily absorbed Tuesday's cancer-free (!) scan news.  This FABULOUS milestone green lit our move to the San Francisco area and opened up the floodgates of our pre-pack-out checklist.  I suppose that with lymphoma having delayed this California transfer for a year, we were completely ready to jump when medical clearance finally came.

So now, we are methodically attacking our to-do list:

• confirming all the details that a government transfer and pack-out entail,
• starting the ball rolling to transfer my medical treatment to UCSF,
• addressing the slew of requirements needed to secure my California teaching license,
• and - most significantly - closing the deal on a fabulous Sausalito apartment!

Joe found and then checked out this wonderful perch above Richardson Bay when he was out on business and biking around (!) the Bay area a few weeks ago.  For those of you who are unaware, Joseph is gifted and motivated when it comes to real estate.  He loves to look and has yet again found us a great spot.  An amazing view, a pitch-perfect location that gives him 3 options to commute to work, and a pretty nifty apartment that provides the venue for enjoying that spectacular sunny view.  The hitch (?) - oh, let's call it an opportunity and a challenge - is that the space is much smaller than we have become habituated to these many years of accumulating stuff.  We will only bring a few select pieces of furniture and the bare minimum of everything else so a ruthless sorting is underway with frequent trips to Goodwill and many postings on eBay.  It's a bit of a game:  what's the balance between outfitting the apartment and stripping away the fat?  For example:  Cuisinart,YES (of course, we need pesto and Jonathan covets his "soft cookies"), Bread Machine, NO ... but Crock Pot?  Ah, such first world, no-cancer problems .... 

The BEST News... All CLEAR!

Tuesday - May 21, 2013

So both scans are completely clear! Hurrah! Jonathan was a comforting presence as I over thought and analyzed everything.  Why is Kevin coming into clinic just to see me if the news is good?  Why did Robin flag me down and say she had to see me? Too much angst and uncertainty but now all is well, we are breathing, we are planning, we are living today without dread. Now it's a morning of Rituxan followed by lunch with my boy in Richmond.  THANK you everyone for supporting me and comforting me as I became more and more nervous these last weeks. I am clearly not proficient at "watchful waiting."

Logistics, Logistics

Monday - May 20, 2013

Today has focused on administrative details, logistics, and phone calls.  The LEAST complicated agenda item was finishing up (?) a months-long attempt to redeem twenty-year old savings bonds, so that gives some flavor of the level of today's minutiae and hoop jumping  :)  Maintenance men, dentist appointment scheduling, health insurance phone calls, and so on kept me somewhat distracted from the impending visit to the oncologist for the latest cancer update....

A happy highlight was spending the morning on the phone and successfully rescheduling my oncology consult and Rituxan infusion back to its original date - tomorrow!  I will meet with Kevin, my boffo nurse practitioner and the best lumbar puncture specialist I know :)  However, my level of anxiety is such that I instantly second-guessed why my favorite and most familiar Dalton RN didn't give me "the news" herself over the phone when she called to confirm that I was back on the Dalton docket.  Mind you, she has never given me news on the phone, probably doesn't have access to the news, and knows that I will be having a meeting tomorrow so why would I need to know now ....  Anyway, I am feeling super anxious so my mind is flying everywhere.

And in an instance of logistics getting in the way of life, the job lead in the city has not played out due to the simple truth that employer and applicant are indeed a continent apart.  The.school felt that they needed to interview me in person rather than via Skype.  Our June 14 trip to California is at the absolute last day / the end of their hiring window and - simply put - "too late."  Ah well, I am excited to have had a dry run and an excuse to get all my ducks in a row.  Now, time to regroup, refocus, and revisit that gorgeous Sausalito flat with a view of the water  :)

And the best part of today?  Jonathan is snoring away on the couch.  He's home for a few days and will go to VCU with me tomorrow.  Phew.  I dreaded going alone.

Milestones! MONUMENTAL (& incidental)

Saturday - May 18, 2013

Magic!  In a crowd of 5K, Jonathan had an aisle seat, was visible, and next to us!

College graduations are truly monumental milestones, celebrating accomplishments and heralding upcoming life changes.  Sharing Jonathan's graduation from Virginia Tech was not guaranteed last May when we first heard "stage 4" or then again last fall when we learned that no donor was available to me off the bone marrow transplant registry.  And yet there we were - Megan on the cellphone, and Joe, Jonathan, and me together in Blacksburg.  It truly felt a bit magical  :)   And not just because Andy and Anthony surprised us by coming down for the festivities.  Not just because we found Jonathan in a sea of Hokies and ran around Lane Stadium so that we sat right alongside him.  Not because I didn't tear up as I had anticipated I would (and as I had done during Megan's fabulous graduation from William & Mary).  The magic was the incredible joy in seeing our wonderful young man in such a contented and secure place in life.  Surrounded by his college family, supported by his high school friends, excited by his past studies, and ready for his next year of academic work and job / school searches.  He looks great, he seems relaxed, and he is grounded and content.  I love Jonathan's low-key, objective, humble approach to life (yes, I love to see Joe in him!) and to see his outreach to his friends and community.  My two days in Blacksburg were a gift of shared experience and love made more precious by the threat that I could have missed them.  Milestone.

And that incidental milestone?  Well, that's the oncology appointment I have been awaiting.  I arrived back in Williamsburg to discover a letter (what?!  no phone call?! what's up with THAT?!) from VCU rescheduling the May 21st consult with my oncologist that has been circled in red on my calendar since February!  Argh!  And - of course - the rescheduled time is for the following day, a time when I had just scheduled a Skype interview / mock teaching session for a potential job.  Given that a full hiring panel is getting together to Skype cross-country at that time, I am not calling to explain why I must reschedule.  So who knows when I'll get the results of Wednesday's scans?

My current plan is to telephone on Monday and to see if I might have a phone consult and, if not, then to reschedule for later in the week.  Getting "the news" is indeed a small milestone and in the end - good news or bad - a few days difference will not impact results, just my psyche.

What an opportunity to practice calm ... and flexibility ... and optimism ....  I shall practice what I preach, "focus on the positives," and immerse myself in all these happy Hokie graduation emotions from this year and in anticipation of NEXT year when we get to do it all over again!

Blacksburg Celebrations!

May 16, 2013

Let the double dose of festivities begin!  Jonathan is graduating from Virginia Tech!

Another crack-of-dawn start to make it to Blacksburg for Jonathan's noon Phi Beta Kappa initiation!  Very exciting  :)  Joe will drive down on Friday morning to meet us for Jonathan's graduation part 1=B.A. in Communications and Political Science.  May 2014 will bring his graduation part 2 = B.S. in Statistics.

Celebrating your children's hard work is a lovely way to spend a day or two.  Pictures to follow on the weekend!

So very proud of our "busy worker" who is indeed "very kind and nice to others" and "good at figuring things out."

.... And just think that last year on May 16th I was starting my first round of in-hospital chemo.  I like this May 16 MUCH better :)   Off to Blacksburg!

Fingers Crossed because it's "Scan Day"

Wednesday - May 15, 2013

Yes, it's the crack of dawn.  Perfect time to hop in the car, head west, and set "watchful waiting" in motion!  All this waiting ... and waiting ... and waiting is NOT in my DNA.

Time to ACT!  I am so ready to get some answers, to hear another "all clear, No-Evidence-of-Disease" but ... in the end today will simply be another hurry up and wait ... and wait ... and wait ... because of course I will have no answers today, just tests.

Answers will come in 147 hours (but who's counting?)

Off to Richmond and VCU for my 5th PET scan and my 6th (?) head and orbit MRI.

Fingers crossed for "unremarkable."  Fingers crossed for "ordinary."
Fingers crossed for being able to breath again.... in 147 hours .... 

Sleeping so poorly, antsy, anxious, nervous, ready .... but not really worried on an intellectual level  :)  I feel fine.
(But can I trust my body?  My "feeling fine"?)

*****************************************************

Calmer now in the bright sunshine of a crisp spring day  :)

Home.  These noninvasive scans are completely passive and pain free.  The only requirement from me is calm and stillness.  I managed to free my mind from the impending "news" and to nap deeply during the hour's enforced inactivity (in darkness) that allows the nuclear tracer to distribute evenly through my body.  Then the rest of the time is lying completely still, covered in blankets.  My head is braced and caged for the MRI but otherwise I am unencumbered.  Wait, I take that back - I am also strapped down tight in velcro from hip to port (collar bone) during the PET.  I suppose that by "unencumbered" I mean I am not hooked up by tubes from port to an infusion pump.  I feel less encumbered even though I am required to be completely inert.  Strange how the mind works....

Anyway, no bodily distress just LOTS of time to think.  I chose to focus on the positive -- tomorrow's trip to Blacksburg to see Jonathan for his Phi Beta Kappa initiation and Virginia Tech graduation,Megan's upcoming 12K run in San Fran, and the fun and exploration that Joe and I will enjoy in our relocation to San Francisco.  Owning my perfectionism, I confess to also mulling over refinements in and additions to my new wiki  :)

Kudos to VCU radiology!  They achieved a new record for efficiency at the hospital today.  I lobbied hard (and successfully) for a single IV to be used for both scans AND I literally walked from the PET scan machine to the MRI across the hall - no wait!  Amazing!

140 hours to go ....

What's That Cliche about a "Closed Door"?

Tuesday - May 14, 2013

Creating math review activities was a GREAT distraction

You know the saying, "when one door closes, another one opens...."  Well today was my last day of work at D.J. Montague.  That purple and green door has now closed.  It's been such a fabulous few months!  Great collaboration with an amazing staff AND of course I loved the math immersion and working with students across grade levels.  But SOL* (Virginia's annual standardized tests) time has arrived, remediation time has evaporated, and I am now focusing on my ESL sessions at Matthew Whaley and turning more and more attention to our approaching California move.

To where? For the moment, just for argument's sake and in the spirit of optimism, let's put aside any indecision hinging on tomorrow's scans and Dr. Perkins' report next Tuesday.  Let's just ASSUME all will be well and that we get the no-cancer go-ahead to pack up all 14,000 pounds of belongings and head west to San Francisco.  Where to live?  Where to work?  Joe has been actively house hunting with a focus on Sausalito.  I have put out a few teaching applications in Marin and one in San Francisco and today that proverbial door cracked a bit open in the form of a phone interview with that sole San Francisco school.  A small first step.  We'll see.  I am completely intrigued; the school is an excellent fit vis-a-vis our shared philosophy and approach so Joe and I are both pretty excited .... And have shifted the house search from the North Bay to the city  :)  We'll see what's out there - for the hounds and for us. 

In the meantime, I am successfully warding off  "am-I-relapsing?" panic by whiling away the hours in wiki world.  Cleaning up my wiki from my graduate school efolio.  Creating pages and uploading material for a new wiki summarizing my work experience.  I get utterly lost in the minutiae and the pesky vagaries of the cumbersome formatting.  "Lost" = "distraction" and I welcome it. 

This waiting ... Such nerves ....I am sleeping terribly.... Just one more week for some solid info.

* SOL:  I agree with Carolyn that there must be a better term.  It's just jarring, hitting up against a more common usage.  My traffic language still hasn't adjusted to the reality of this educational verbage.

Cancer-versary #1 (of many, I hope)

Saturday - May 11, 2013

(I've been waiting to do something with all those VCU wristbands)

Time to celebrate!
Time to commemorate!
One year of survival.
One year since "the news." 

Cancer.

Stage FOUR cancer.
With central nervous system involvement.
Sounds pretty grim in writing.
Imagine hearing it over the phone.
Yup, even grimmer....

But ...

HERE
I
AM.

One year later.

Cancer-versary number 1.

It certainly was not the diagnosis anyone would desire; the "stage 4" designation can still chill me to the core (if I allow it).  BUT the finality of the words meant that the 4.5 month mystery of the pain and dysfunction was solved and that I could get some focused medical treatment and GET WELL.

Notes from Dr. Perkins' call confirming DLBC NH Lymphoma. Ironic stationery?  

Perhaps I was just stunned.  Maybe I was simply beaten down by the relentless slicing, crushing pain on the left side of my head.  But in hearing confirmation of those 3 weeks of lymphoma murmurings, I didn't freak out.  I felt procedural.  What happens next?  I was fundamentally ... relieved.  Relieved and resigned to start DOING something to stop the constant wretched pain.  I was so unwell, in such terrible and prolonged distress.  How else could the word "cancer" be felt as a relief?  That's what unexplained and unrelenting pain will do to you.

Thank God Carolyn was with me when I got the news.  Joe was on travel on the West Coast and when planning his trip, my pain and related lack of function had been severe enough that we felt I couldn't really be home alone.  (Wow.  Just typing those words gives me pause.  Spring 2012 was an ordeal.)  By the time Joe departed and Carolyn arrived on May 5, I had suffered the bladder nick during my biopsy, was on medical leave from work, was saddled with 2 medical bags resulting from the surgery that meant I could only sleep sitting up on the living room couch, and could drive (with one eye, mind you) only under the most pressing circumstances - such as going to the airport to pick up my beloved sister.  I was truly a MESS.

I was STILL asking about work and our upcoming move!

Carolyn shuttled me back and forth to VCU for various oncology, surgical, and urology appointments and then  - most importantly - was next to me, grounding me, taking notes, giving me perspective when Dr. Perkins phoned.  She bolstered me and gave me strength when I called Joe and the kids.  If I had been alone, I think I might have melted into a puddle of fear.  But I didn't.  Carolyn propped me up.  And even over the phone and from a continent away, Joe took half of the burden and gave me a solid sense of hope.  We would get through this challenge together.  The hardest phone calls were to Jonathan and Megan, those precious people who are truly my world.  Amidst their own emotions and turmoil, they gave me strength and perspective.  Through the fog of pain and the adrenalin surge of impending action, I felt buoyed by great love. I still do.

In that Friday afternoon end-of-day phone call, I clearly recall that Dr. Perkins used the word "cure" in explaining the aggressive nature of Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma.  I don't see "cure" in the notes.  Why didn't I write it down?  Was it too much to imagine?  That glorious word came up again in our first few consultations and of course we have clung to that soothing word on which all of our hopes hinge.  Now it's one year later and "cure" seems a long-distance concept, one that we are measuring one scan at a time.  But it's a goal to which we are happily inching forward!  I suppose I am now officially part of the statistics database for Overall Survival (1-Year).  I'll take it.  "Survival" is a pretty glorious word too.  I may prefer "Cure" but "Survival" is a close second  :)

So, happy first cancer-versary to me!  Thank you to Joe, Megan, Jonathan, my family and friends who have virtually and physically held my hand this first year.  Thank you for all the check-ins by phone, text, email, message, and letter.  Thank you for all the meals that saw us through the summer.  Thank you for all the get-away lunches.  Thank you for all the smiles and hugs.

I've survived.  I'm alive.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

"The greatest healing therapy IS friendship and love" ...
(plus huge amounts of methotrexate, rituxan, cyterabine, vincristine etc.)

Embracing the Geek Within

Tuesday - May 7, 2013

Sometimes it's just a happy - but geeky - day.  First, in a discussion of prime (versus composite) numbers with my 5th grade students, we used our ages as examples.  In noting that they are all currently "prime" at 11 years old, I mentioned that magic 3 weeks in 2002 -  "Ammirati prime time"  - when Jonathan was 11, Megan 13, and Joe and I were both 41.  And yes, when I asked if there was another Ammirati prime time 6 years later, they all did some calculations and verified that the magic has happened twice.  Laughing, one student said  "You must REALLY like math."  Why, yes I do.  Yes. I.  Do.  Will there be another Ammirati prime time?  One of my students has challenged himself to figure it out.  

THEN, Megan's ultra-fabulous Mother's Day gift arrived in the mail.  Perfect!  Hysterical!  A hand-crafted, natural cherry, made in Canada (extra bonus for this Canada-phile), organizational tool for the mom who loves to dole out the resources in Settlers of Catan!  I am totally geeking out!  Thank you beautiful girl!  Now, when can we play Catan?   I can keep our resources in perfect order (while I stew in regret about the placement of my initial settlements). Anybody have any brick? I need some brick ....

**********************************************************************


Wednesday - May 8, 2013


" Every geek knows that F(n)=F(n-1)+F(n-2) is the greatest of all sequences, the Fibonacci Sequence." 
1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89 .... 

Happy Fibonacci Day!  Yes, it's  5/8/13!!  I have been dancing around all day after seeing alerts and celebrations from all sorts of science and math blogs about this amazing math day.  Another Fibonacci Day won't roll around until Aug 13, 2021 and then of course that's it for this century.  As one of my 5th graders blurted out after seeing the sequence: "We don't have 13 months in a year."  Yes, it's a rare and special event.  Even non-math geeks will admit that. 

I shared Fibonacci with my 5th grade students and we reached full agreement:  Fibonacci Day is more exciting than Pi Day.  Just sayin'.

Productivity = Distraction

Monday - May 6, 2013

Walks along the York on a breezy day are the ultimate escape

It seems almost like it's been a week of suspended animation.  I am still happily immersing myself in all things math (for my job and also - let's be honest - just for fun), Joseph is still away on travel, this cough still haunts me (but I am certain it is just my standard upper respiratory issue), and I am still organizing, recycling, and packing up the car with donations for Goodwill.  I am crazy busy but am I making progress?  What is the plan?  What is the solid goal?  Everything hinges on that May 21 verdict:

• all clear and free to head west or




• back to cancer treatment and destined to move north for salvage chemotherapy and a subsequent Bone Marrow Transplant.  

Tick tock, tick tock (not that I wish to quote Ke$ha but she has usurped the phrase) ....

All of this immediate productivity has proven to be effectively diverting.  This week and next, my school hours have increased in preparation for the upcoming state exams and the move to California is teasing me and occupying my mind as it shifts from vague plan to tantalizing option.  Joe was house hunting in Sausalito on the weekend and found an amazing vacation-caliber view of the water in a newly renovated home which truly whet my appetite.  In addition, I submitted three job applications in Marin so the employment hunt is officially underway.  House, work, dogs, kids ...  I'm finding endless productive distractions ... which is a very good thing now that I am approaching my May 15 scan and then the all-important May 21 meeting with my oncologist.  Nerves ....

Jumping the Gun?

Friday - May 3, 2013

Oh, I know that I promised myself that I would focus on the NOW and hold off any specific California planning until after we heard what-we-hope-is-good-news on May 21 ... but Joe is house hunting in the North Bay ... and I started thinking forward ... and I looked at some job listings ... and I saw a posting for what could be a perfect fit job ... and so I am sending out an application!  Just couldn't help it.  It's hard NOT to look forward, to believe all will be well, that we will actually move, that I will find another professional home  :)   Positive thoughts!