Wind in (some) Hair!

Thursday - January 31, 2013

Last night's violent storms have transitioned into brisk breezes and have heralded a new milestone in my recovery:  yup, wind is ruffling my hair.  While I still don't have enough hair on my head to merit a comb (let alone a brush), I have been going out "as is" since mid-December and am certainly warmer than I was a few weeks ago.  And although the breezes of St. Thomas did not create any sensation on my yes-I-have-a-little-hair head, three weeks after vacation today's springlike gusts have shown that my hair is indeed growing in.  A good feeling.  A sign that I'm moving forward.  Let's hope that my internal health parallels this external barometer :)  That's what I really care about, of course.

For many months, I meant to set down some thoughts about losing my hair to cancer but somehow I could never quite articulate the depth of the fact that I just did NOT CARE.  Not a bit.  I had expected some level of emotional loss but it simply never came to me.  I missed the warmth of my hair  -- on my head, my arms, that fine down just below my earlobes -- but I was surprised to realize that I just really did not mourn the loss of the style aspect of my hair. Perhaps it's because I have always been profoundly low-maintenance in terms of both make-up and hair.  Perhaps it's because I don't have much style!  Anyway I did care that I lost that insulating warmth as well as my anonymity in public due to my hair loss.  Baldness is cancer's public red flag.  The double takes and stares at my scarves, hats, and total lack of facial hair (eyebrows, eyelashes, that wonderful, warming down I missed so much on my cheeks) were a bit discomfiting.  Then a dear friend erased even that discomfort when she wrote:

"About realizing you look different in public - whenever I see a woman with a wig or scarf, it is obvious some chemicals are being mainstreamed into her body. I always say a quick prayer for her strength and courage . So..when you see pp looking, believe they are wishing you godspeed and feel comfort with that. We all could use more of those positive vibes :):)"

 So welcome back hair!  I am happy to have it back for as long as I can.

Unsettled Dreams

Wednesday - January 30, 2013

Spring temperatures and quiet breezes with the bedroom window open....  Last night's failsafe recipe for sleep and rest was not the antidote for an unsettled night.  Instead it mirrored many others over the last few weeks - with me awaking from shattering dreams.  They generally involve grave peril for the children - certain loss and permanent separation.  Well, at least my subconscious is not showing any degree of coy subtlety.  I am as anxious in slumber as I am in daytime reflection when my thoughts are ambushed by those upcoming Feb. 4 tests / Feb. 12 oncologist consult.  OR it could simply be an unsettling result of too much dystopian fiction :)

I also seem to be ripping my cuticles to shreds.

A Snowy Afternoon

Friday - January 25, 2013

Snow is indeed a rare treat here in Tidewater Virginia and I am enjoying the peace, loveliness, and change of pace brought about by today's inch of snow.  Of course, the hounds are horrified.  They widen their eyes and look up at us incredulously whenever we venture an outing.  Regular clearance of the deck / back path to lessen their shock coupled with positive reinforcement (liver treats) when they return to the house seem to be doing the trick ....  Anyway, I welcome the beauty of the afternoon snow on our backyard vista.  The white brightens the forest as well as my mood.

I am feeling rather blue these days but so far am successfully fighting it off.  Perhaps now that the rush of treatment is at a (temporary?) lull and Jonathan has returned to school, I am feeling the creep of sadness, of loss for my previous rhythm ... expectations ... assumptions....   I am enormously grateful - sublimely content - that Megan is here.  Her daily presence is a tremendous gift/silver lining that I never would have anticipated in my wildest dreams when all four of us were blithely going about our pre-illness business last year.  Whenever I feel a great twinge of regret / remorse / loss, I look at our splendid girl working away here on the east coast rather than in California and am overwhelmed.  I am thankful to be enjoying her company HERE rather than in a bone marrow transplant unit in Richmond or Baltimore.  I am grateful that Jonathan and Joe can return to their routines without the stress and distraction of my illness and risky treatment.  Yes I am appreciative and relieved.  Yes I am accepting the new.  But I am mourning the loss of the old. 

Back from Winter Break = Back Online

Wednesday - January 23, 2013

Never enough rounds of Catan ...

Well with Joe back at work today and Jonathan in his second day back at VA Tech ...  it's official; it's the end of a long and languid winter break.  Megan and I are holding down the fort at home and finding our rhythm back from a very low-key, very relaxing five weeks.  (NOTE:  The hounds continue their autumn/winter/early spring role of lounging in front of the fire as opposed to their late spring/summer role of lounging in pools of sunshine.  Vacation breaks are constant for these happy dogs.)   I suppose it's time to get back online and back in touch with the world.  I have been hunkered down with books (George R.R. Martin seriously needs a ruthless editor but at this point I simply cannot stop reading his five volumes of "A Song of Fire and Ice" until I am done) games (CATAN!!!), cooking, and family for many happy weeks.  Entire days have passed without cracking the computer open.  Now as a sense of routine and familiar schedule resumes, my focus has been wrenched back to the coinflip that is my health prognosis - 50% chance of continuing health countered with a 50% chance of relapse.  My next day of tests looms.  Monday, February 4, I return to VCU for a morning PET scan and an afternoon MRI.  I'll get the results the following week at which point my sense of limbo will be reset (either for good or bad) at least for another precious interlude.

AND as I re-gear out of winter break mode, I must confess that I am feeling some real anger (toward the universe? my bone marrow?  rotten luck?) that cancer has robbed me of my job.  I was so very excited and happy to be teaching after so many years of anticipation.  I was truly enjoying applying my experience, education, and enthusiasm in the classroom.  I loved the school, curriculum, and community.  Now, everything's on hold.  Rats.  I do feel robbed.  Even if this health-imposed lull is only a short term reality, I feel gypped.  Ah, well....  Patience and appreciation for the many many positives ....

Mellow Days on Magen's Bay

Saturday - January 12, 2013

Back from our "laziest vacation ever" in a comfortable breezy villa overlooking a gorgeous QUIET bay on St. Thomas with our own pocket beach and views to die for.  Books galore, Settlers of Catan, delicious meals, RGIII concerns, and one day of sailing and snorkeling at Christmas Cove on Great St. James Island.  Absolute bliss.  How content were we?  Well although we have yet to repeat a vacation locale, we have actually discussed going back to Villa Eau Clair ....  A fabulous family week ....

Off to the Warm Sea

Wednesday - January 2, 2013

The bags are packed (with bathing suits, books, snorkel gear, Settlers of Catan, Scrabble, Apples to Apples, Hive, and other gaming necessities), the car is loaded, notes to the dogsitter are written and taped up, the dishwasher has run and is clean,  the sink is empty, the fridge is cleared of perishables, we have communicated with Megan about where we will rendezvous in the airport, and we are ready to GO!  ETD is 4 a.m. to catch the direct flight out of Dulles to St. Thomas.  Then it's a week of R&R in the warm breezes and waters of Magens Bay :)